When It Flips Upside Down...

Losing a love is never an easy thing to deal with. It's a complete transformation of life as you know it. So many things happen, that it often throws you into a complete tailspin. One thing dominoes into another until it eventually snowballs into a wall of emotion that is hard to break through. We all deal with a break up in different ways. No one way is right. In fact, I would assume that most of us try many different ways to deal with it, and it is a combination of those ways that eventually gets you to a point where you can function without letting it bother you anymore. I have definitely grown a lot in the last 4 months. I honestly never thought I'd be where I am right now ever again; single, confused, and second guessing every move I make.

I am so glad that I have my faith, because if I didn't have God to talk to these last 4 months, I know that I would be worse off. Knowing that you have that person who loves you there one day, and then the next day that love is taken away... that sort of thing can make you crazy. You start wondering, "Is there anything I could have done to change this?" "What can I do to get that love back?" The reality of it is, there wasn't, and there isn't. At least not that has been revealed to me. When someone is ready to let you go, there really isn't anything you can do to stop them. They've already gone through everything in their own mind, and to them it just isn't worth it. It's a hard thing to accept that you just aren't worth it to the person you love. However, it is slightly easier to deal with to know that the only possible way things could have been different is if one or both of you had to be someone other than who you truly are. If people aren't themselves in a relationship, then the work hasn't even started yet. The only way each of you will begin to be true is through communication. Without communication, everything breaks down. TRUST ME! IT BREAKS DOWN!

Once it is over, all you want is communication. Are they okay? Do they think of me? Is it hard for them at all? You think about this a thousand times a day, and all you want is an answer, when in reality, any answer you get isn't going to make you feel any better. So you start looking for people, family, and friends to talk to. Anyone to communicate with! That is probably where I learned the most. I learned who I really am important to, who really wants to be a friend, and who is really there for me. Friends who I never thought I'd lean on for support stepped up and have been awesome. Family has been great, just like they always are. They've given me the space I've needed when I've needed it, and have been a rock when I couldn't stand on my own. I've had great friends continue to live up to that standard, and I've made new friends that I'm grateful for everyday. But, I've also had friends that mean a lot to me that have left me hanging. It's one thing to lose that love you've had for a while, but then to also feel like you're losing friends...it's just one more thing that pushes you lower and lower. Even though I've had plenty of people there for me, not being able to talk to certain people made me feel like I had no one. In some ways, I still feel that way. 

Prayer has been my strongest tool in this whole process. Through prayer I've desperately pleaded with God to show me what he has in store for me, asked Him to take away the pain, and have asked for peace and understanding. Above all else, He has granted me peace. Understanding really isn't any easier, the pain is getting more and more bearable, and I really don't know what is in store for me anymore. It's weird to grasp, and to be quite honest, I really can't explain it. All I know is that through me seeking God more, I have, in turn, gained peace. Yeah, I go through ups and downs and times of confusion, but I've started to realize that I don't need to know what's going on all the time. I don't need to know the answers. Yeah, I miss the past. Great memories are hard not to miss. It's all part of healing though, right? But, for the first time in my life, I mean truly the first time, I'm letting God take the lead. I've tried it my own way almost my whole life, and I'm finally trusting that God will lead me to everything that I need if I only let Him. I'm not perfect, and trusting God is something that I continually tell myself to do every day. But, that peace I feel lets me know that no matter what I am going through, I'm going to come out stronger on the other side of it. This is just another way that God is building me up to be the man that He intended me to be. It's up to me to stay the course.

Let me leave you with a little bit of scripture that always reassures me that no matter what I'm going through, God is in control if I let Him have control. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28. The key being "HIS purpose" and not my own. His way is the best way. Thank you for reading. God Bless.

Until next time...

Trevor

Hard to Give. Hard to Say. Worth it!

After my last post, I was pretty pumped up to start walking right with God and living like He is the one that has given me the power to overcome my obstacles. For a few weeks I was doing really well. I was in a good place. But just like anyone else, life started to happen. School got tougher, work got busier, and I started putting God on the back burner. You would think that I would have learned my lesson about pushing God away, but apparently I hadn't. I have had some "Up" days and I have had some "Down" days. But nothing was really consistent. I was searching for something else to make me feel whole. I know that there's only one thing that can fill that void. That is God. Even at my low points in the last couple of months, I knew the answer. But, I was rebelling. Purposely pushing God away at the times when I felt like I didn't want to hear the truth. In all honesty, I was angry. Angry with myself, but blaming in all on God, even though I knew it wasn't him I was mad at. But, it's always easier to blame someone else for what is going on instead of looking in the mirror and pointing the finger at yourself. I started staying up late on Saturday nights and sleeping late on Sunday mornings, sabotaging any chance of going to church, even though I always told myself that I was going to go the night before. I hate that I have let myself get to this point. But, like I said, I was angry. Angry that I was letting myself wallow in the wake of past events that have upset me. I was asking God questions like, "Why are you putting me through this?" and "Can you take it away so I don't have to deal with it?" Though I might not know the whole answer to the first question for quite some time, I do know that part of it is because God is molding and making me the man that He intended me to be, and everything that I'm going through is going to work out for good. The answer to the second question came much quicker, however. The answer is "Yes." He can take it all away so I don't have to deal with it. It may not be instantaneous, but He can take away my troubles away little by little. I just have to ask Him for help. When I did ask for help, God revealed to me the first step that I need to take in order for Him to restore me. Forgiveness! I need to forgive. Forgive myself, forgive the ones that have hurt or wronged me, forgive those random people I come across daily who may cut me off in traffic or be rude to me at work. It's impossible to completely get over a hurt or some bitterness without forgiving yourself or the other person involved. Because, if you don't, every time that you are confronted with a memory, or you see that other person, that bitterness and resentment will show its ugly face in that instant. You thought that you were over it, and moved on, but you then know that you're still holding onto a grudge, however small it may be. Let's be real, forgiveness is probably the hardest thing to give to anyone who hurt you. It seems impossible, and you feel like you could never forgive them. I know that I've felt that. I struggle with it in every new situation that comes my way. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't. But, I also know that when you can forgive someone, truly forgive them, it's one of the best gifts you can give yourself, and that other person. Letting someone know that you have forgiven them can definitely help lift a burden off of that other person's shoulders. It helps to release guilt that they are holding onto, and it paves the way for reconciliation (if that's in the cards). But, the real gift is the gift you're giving to yourself. When you forgive someone else for the hurt or pain they've caused you, you are, in essence, saying, "I am letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I've been holding onto." You're saying that you aren't going to let that thing you're holding onto eat you up inside and dictate how you are going to live your life. It's not an easy thing to do, but when you can do it, it is freeing. Hurt doesn't always go away over night, or even over the course of a day or week. Healing takes time, but by forgiving that person, you're letting go of hurt in the past and focusing on the present. If you are always holding onto the past, you will never be able to grasp the present. Like I said, it isn't easy, but it is worth it. Forgiving isn't always a face to face encounter either. Most of the instances where I have been hurt or wronged, I haven't given forgiveness face to face. In fact, I could probably count on one hand how many times I've actually said the words "I forgive you" to someone. But that doesn't mean that I haven't given it to them. In some cases, it has taken a lot of time and maturing as a person, and when I've seen them, I realize that I had forgiven them without even saying it out loud. There are all sorts of ways we forgive. Some people I may never see again. Others, I talk to on a daily basis. But the common denominator with every one is that I'm not going to hold onto something that happened between us and let that eat me up inside. I have a greater purpose than to be bitter for the rest of my life. I just pray that anyone reading this, who may be struggling with this same thing, will recognize that you also have a great purpose than to hold onto grudges and bitterness, however small they may be. I heard a great saying on the radio the other day, and it has been on my mind since then. It was "Be better, not bitter." It reminds me that I will never be as good as I can be if I have bitterness floating around inside. I'll never be the man God wants me to be without letting that stuff go. As you probably very well know by now, my faith is very important to me. It is a huge part of who I am. I am thankful for forgiveness every day even though I might not say it, but I am. If God can forgive me for the things I've done in my life, then I know that I can forgive those who have hurt me. As impossible as it may seem at certain points, forgiveness is always possible. Now, I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I need forgiveness as much as the next person. I pray that those whom I've hurt and wronged can also forgive me. I have not always been the greatest person to everyone I have encountered, and I haven't always meant to hurt someone, but I know I have. So, if there are any of you out there reading this that I have hurt or have offended in any capacity, I am sorry. Please forgive me. As I said before, God revealed to me that this is the first step to restoring me and getting me back on His track. And at this point, I can honestly say that I am letting go of my bitterness and anger and have forgiven those who I have been holding a grudge against. Some may never know who they are, others will. God's strength and power can help you do anything, even forgive. I know it sounds hard, but it's possible. Without the grace and power of God through Jesus in my life, I know that I could never forgive anyone. But, if Jesus can forgive those who crucified him while he was hanging on the cross, I too can forgive those who have hurt me. I am going to leave you with a little bit of scripture that reminds me that God has forgiven me, and I need to do the same to everyone else. Thanks for reading. "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."-Ephesians 4:32 God Bless Until next time... Trevor