Unexpected Blessings

For  a long time, I went to bed thinking about a certain person; the same person. When I'd wake up that person would be the first person I'd think about. For years it was the same thing, day after day thinking about the most important person in my life. Now that that person isn't in my life anymore, it's a hard switch to just turn off. Here it is, almost 5 months since my relationship fell apart, and just recently I'm starting to have nights where she's not the last thought on my mind and mornings where she's not the first thought when I wake up. However, that doesn't mean that the healing process is over. But it is a great start. I wish I had the magic formula for healing though. Sometimes it's quick and easy, and other times it's slow and painful. I guess it's all part of the process.


I guess there is something to say for that rebound relationship. It takes your mind off the one you love and puts it on your "distraction." The problem is, I don't like the idea of a rebound relationship for the reason that I just described. A distraction. People should never be a distraction. After the way I felt after my break-up, there's no way I could do that to someone knowing that I was just using her as a bridge to a "land of true-love forgotten." That's just not me. But, the thing that sucks is that I will just continue to work myself through it, asking God for healing and comfort. Hurt, memories, confusion. We all go through them in rough times, and for me I think that they're necessary. There's a song on Christian radio right now called "Blessings" by Laura Story. If you get a chance, check it out. She goes on to describe things in the song that wouldn't normally be thought of as blessings. The chorus goes as follows:

"What if your blessings come through raindrops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what 

It takes to know you're near?

What if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?"

This song really resonates with me. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to get closer to God. When we hurt, He is waiting for us to ask Him for help. Help to take the pain away, help to block the thoughts of that person, help to relieve the stress of life. We plead with Him to just do anything for us so we could have just the smallest feeling of happiness. But, He doesn't want us to have a small feeling of happiness, He wants us to experience happiness on a level that we could never even imagine. The only way to do that is through  a relationship with Jesus. I wish I knew exactly how it works, but I just know that it does. When my focus is on Him, I am more content and happy than I ever have been. Even when my life seems like it's falling apart around me, I can still have joy and contentment. Other relationships seem to benefit, and I'm able to be grateful the blessings around me. I know that only the power of Jesus could make that happen for me. Yes, things can be hard, and I still get the feelings where it seems like the pain and stress will never go away. But, those are the things that Laura Story was talking about in the lyrics above. It's at those moments that God has my full attention and is able to draw me closer to Him. Sometimes hurt, tears, stress, and trials really are His mercies in disguise. Sometimes we have to go through these things in order to become who He has meant for us to be. Though bad things happen, it is in those times that God wants us to call on Him for His strength and His power to overcome the trials. That's how He gets us to heal. We don't always understand while were going through it, but we must be faithful. There's a saying out there that is pretty popular, and I believe it to be true. "If God brings you to it, then He will lead you through it." We just have to be willing to take His lead and not our own.

There is no doubt in my mind why I am content in my life, even though I'm falling on hard times. It's God! I am so grateful that He is merciful and loving, because I fall short of His expectations every single day. But, day after day He gives me another chance, no questions asked. He takes me in His arms, forgives me, tells me He loves me, and sends me on my way to share His love. Some days I do really well, but I'm not perfect by any means. I need forgiveness DAILY! And He always delivers. I thank the LORD for His forgiveness and for taking my hurt and sorrow and turning it into contentment. I would like to leave you all with a verse that I had recently read and thought that it would be perfect for the way I have been feeling. Sometimes I just need to slow down and remember that God has my back.


"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Phillippians 4:6-7. My favorite part about this verse is the part that says, "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guide your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." All understanding!!! That's pretty powerful to me. I don't have to worry about knowing why I'm going through stuff because God will give me peace through Jesus. I just have to be willing to follow. Thank your for reading. God bless!


Until next time...
Trevor

When It Flips Upside Down...

Losing a love is never an easy thing to deal with. It's a complete transformation of life as you know it. So many things happen, that it often throws you into a complete tailspin. One thing dominoes into another until it eventually snowballs into a wall of emotion that is hard to break through. We all deal with a break up in different ways. No one way is right. In fact, I would assume that most of us try many different ways to deal with it, and it is a combination of those ways that eventually gets you to a point where you can function without letting it bother you anymore. I have definitely grown a lot in the last 4 months. I honestly never thought I'd be where I am right now ever again; single, confused, and second guessing every move I make.

I am so glad that I have my faith, because if I didn't have God to talk to these last 4 months, I know that I would be worse off. Knowing that you have that person who loves you there one day, and then the next day that love is taken away... that sort of thing can make you crazy. You start wondering, "Is there anything I could have done to change this?" "What can I do to get that love back?" The reality of it is, there wasn't, and there isn't. At least not that has been revealed to me. When someone is ready to let you go, there really isn't anything you can do to stop them. They've already gone through everything in their own mind, and to them it just isn't worth it. It's a hard thing to accept that you just aren't worth it to the person you love. However, it is slightly easier to deal with to know that the only possible way things could have been different is if one or both of you had to be someone other than who you truly are. If people aren't themselves in a relationship, then the work hasn't even started yet. The only way each of you will begin to be true is through communication. Without communication, everything breaks down. TRUST ME! IT BREAKS DOWN!

Once it is over, all you want is communication. Are they okay? Do they think of me? Is it hard for them at all? You think about this a thousand times a day, and all you want is an answer, when in reality, any answer you get isn't going to make you feel any better. So you start looking for people, family, and friends to talk to. Anyone to communicate with! That is probably where I learned the most. I learned who I really am important to, who really wants to be a friend, and who is really there for me. Friends who I never thought I'd lean on for support stepped up and have been awesome. Family has been great, just like they always are. They've given me the space I've needed when I've needed it, and have been a rock when I couldn't stand on my own. I've had great friends continue to live up to that standard, and I've made new friends that I'm grateful for everyday. But, I've also had friends that mean a lot to me that have left me hanging. It's one thing to lose that love you've had for a while, but then to also feel like you're losing friends...it's just one more thing that pushes you lower and lower. Even though I've had plenty of people there for me, not being able to talk to certain people made me feel like I had no one. In some ways, I still feel that way. 

Prayer has been my strongest tool in this whole process. Through prayer I've desperately pleaded with God to show me what he has in store for me, asked Him to take away the pain, and have asked for peace and understanding. Above all else, He has granted me peace. Understanding really isn't any easier, the pain is getting more and more bearable, and I really don't know what is in store for me anymore. It's weird to grasp, and to be quite honest, I really can't explain it. All I know is that through me seeking God more, I have, in turn, gained peace. Yeah, I go through ups and downs and times of confusion, but I've started to realize that I don't need to know what's going on all the time. I don't need to know the answers. Yeah, I miss the past. Great memories are hard not to miss. It's all part of healing though, right? But, for the first time in my life, I mean truly the first time, I'm letting God take the lead. I've tried it my own way almost my whole life, and I'm finally trusting that God will lead me to everything that I need if I only let Him. I'm not perfect, and trusting God is something that I continually tell myself to do every day. But, that peace I feel lets me know that no matter what I am going through, I'm going to come out stronger on the other side of it. This is just another way that God is building me up to be the man that He intended me to be. It's up to me to stay the course.

Let me leave you with a little bit of scripture that always reassures me that no matter what I'm going through, God is in control if I let Him have control. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28. The key being "HIS purpose" and not my own. His way is the best way. Thank you for reading. God Bless.

Until next time...

Trevor

Hard to Give. Hard to Say. Worth it!

After my last post, I was pretty pumped up to start walking right with God and living like He is the one that has given me the power to overcome my obstacles. For a few weeks I was doing really well. I was in a good place. But just like anyone else, life started to happen. School got tougher, work got busier, and I started putting God on the back burner. You would think that I would have learned my lesson about pushing God away, but apparently I hadn't. I have had some "Up" days and I have had some "Down" days. But nothing was really consistent. I was searching for something else to make me feel whole. I know that there's only one thing that can fill that void. That is God. Even at my low points in the last couple of months, I knew the answer. But, I was rebelling. Purposely pushing God away at the times when I felt like I didn't want to hear the truth. In all honesty, I was angry. Angry with myself, but blaming in all on God, even though I knew it wasn't him I was mad at. But, it's always easier to blame someone else for what is going on instead of looking in the mirror and pointing the finger at yourself. I started staying up late on Saturday nights and sleeping late on Sunday mornings, sabotaging any chance of going to church, even though I always told myself that I was going to go the night before. I hate that I have let myself get to this point. But, like I said, I was angry. Angry that I was letting myself wallow in the wake of past events that have upset me. I was asking God questions like, "Why are you putting me through this?" and "Can you take it away so I don't have to deal with it?" Though I might not know the whole answer to the first question for quite some time, I do know that part of it is because God is molding and making me the man that He intended me to be, and everything that I'm going through is going to work out for good. The answer to the second question came much quicker, however. The answer is "Yes." He can take it all away so I don't have to deal with it. It may not be instantaneous, but He can take away my troubles away little by little. I just have to ask Him for help. When I did ask for help, God revealed to me the first step that I need to take in order for Him to restore me. Forgiveness! I need to forgive. Forgive myself, forgive the ones that have hurt or wronged me, forgive those random people I come across daily who may cut me off in traffic or be rude to me at work. It's impossible to completely get over a hurt or some bitterness without forgiving yourself or the other person involved. Because, if you don't, every time that you are confronted with a memory, or you see that other person, that bitterness and resentment will show its ugly face in that instant. You thought that you were over it, and moved on, but you then know that you're still holding onto a grudge, however small it may be. Let's be real, forgiveness is probably the hardest thing to give to anyone who hurt you. It seems impossible, and you feel like you could never forgive them. I know that I've felt that. I struggle with it in every new situation that comes my way. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't. But, I also know that when you can forgive someone, truly forgive them, it's one of the best gifts you can give yourself, and that other person. Letting someone know that you have forgiven them can definitely help lift a burden off of that other person's shoulders. It helps to release guilt that they are holding onto, and it paves the way for reconciliation (if that's in the cards). But, the real gift is the gift you're giving to yourself. When you forgive someone else for the hurt or pain they've caused you, you are, in essence, saying, "I am letting go of the bitterness and resentment that I've been holding onto." You're saying that you aren't going to let that thing you're holding onto eat you up inside and dictate how you are going to live your life. It's not an easy thing to do, but when you can do it, it is freeing. Hurt doesn't always go away over night, or even over the course of a day or week. Healing takes time, but by forgiving that person, you're letting go of hurt in the past and focusing on the present. If you are always holding onto the past, you will never be able to grasp the present. Like I said, it isn't easy, but it is worth it. Forgiving isn't always a face to face encounter either. Most of the instances where I have been hurt or wronged, I haven't given forgiveness face to face. In fact, I could probably count on one hand how many times I've actually said the words "I forgive you" to someone. But that doesn't mean that I haven't given it to them. In some cases, it has taken a lot of time and maturing as a person, and when I've seen them, I realize that I had forgiven them without even saying it out loud. There are all sorts of ways we forgive. Some people I may never see again. Others, I talk to on a daily basis. But the common denominator with every one is that I'm not going to hold onto something that happened between us and let that eat me up inside. I have a greater purpose than to be bitter for the rest of my life. I just pray that anyone reading this, who may be struggling with this same thing, will recognize that you also have a great purpose than to hold onto grudges and bitterness, however small they may be. I heard a great saying on the radio the other day, and it has been on my mind since then. It was "Be better, not bitter." It reminds me that I will never be as good as I can be if I have bitterness floating around inside. I'll never be the man God wants me to be without letting that stuff go. As you probably very well know by now, my faith is very important to me. It is a huge part of who I am. I am thankful for forgiveness every day even though I might not say it, but I am. If God can forgive me for the things I've done in my life, then I know that I can forgive those who have hurt me. As impossible as it may seem at certain points, forgiveness is always possible. Now, I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I need forgiveness as much as the next person. I pray that those whom I've hurt and wronged can also forgive me. I have not always been the greatest person to everyone I have encountered, and I haven't always meant to hurt someone, but I know I have. So, if there are any of you out there reading this that I have hurt or have offended in any capacity, I am sorry. Please forgive me. As I said before, God revealed to me that this is the first step to restoring me and getting me back on His track. And at this point, I can honestly say that I am letting go of my bitterness and anger and have forgiven those who I have been holding a grudge against. Some may never know who they are, others will. God's strength and power can help you do anything, even forgive. I know it sounds hard, but it's possible. Without the grace and power of God through Jesus in my life, I know that I could never forgive anyone. But, if Jesus can forgive those who crucified him while he was hanging on the cross, I too can forgive those who have hurt me. I am going to leave you with a little bit of scripture that reminds me that God has forgiven me, and I need to do the same to everyone else. Thanks for reading. "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."-Ephesians 4:32 God Bless Until next time... Trevor

Getting Back On Track

I went away for a day or so to kinda clear my head and focus on God. Shortly into my trip, I found myself abandoning that mission and just letting loose. Now, there is nothing wrong with letting loose, as long as you don't forget who you truly are. If you forget that, then you're just not being true to yourself. The morning after I left (this morning), I woke up tired and tried to shake off the night before; mornings like today are a chore in themselves because you wake up and immediately hate the fact that you still have the rest of the day to get through. But, I powered through it, got back in my car and continued on to my original destination... the coast. Now, for those of you that know me well, I'm more of a mountain person than a beach person, but I figured with how hot and dry it is up in the mountains right now, the beach would be perfect. I arrived here a little later than I had hoped, but as soon as I decided to leave my morning behind me, God started showing me why I needed to this trip. It was to get my focus completely back on Him. There are some of you reading this that know that my life got flipped around about two months ago (that's as far as I'll explain the situation). For a great deal of these last two months, I have been earnestly seeking God's purpose for my life and trying to be completely devoted to His will for my life. And, about two weeks ago, I had a breakthrough. Things were getting clearer, getting easier, and not as hard of a struggle to deal with. But this is where I tripped myself up. It was at this time that I kind of told God, "Thank you, God! You've gotten me to a better place than the one I was in a month ago, but I got it from here." Because of this attitude, I stopped reading the Bible on a daily basis, I prayed less, and I started to fall back into a way of life that is not making me happy or what I want. I just went with it because it had taken my mind off of the other things that I had needed God's help with. But, that didn't last. Quickly I started feeling empty and searching for answers again. Though I could be alone with God anywhere, I felt that it was important for me to get away from all of the distractions for my everyday life. Work, friends, family, familiar places... I needed to get away from them all. And you know what? It worked! Even though I haven't tried to spend as much time with God as I had originally planned on doesn't mean that I won't get God's full message for me. I've already learned so much and have come to many realizations in just a few short hours. First, I need to put down my phone from time to time and just enjoy the world around me. We all have these electronic leashes that we are all addicted to, myself included, and even though we take more pictures now than ever before, we are always looking at the beauty of people and the world through a lens. All of my favorite pictures that I've taken are actually the ones in my mind and the memories they are associated with. So, I am vowing to take a little more time to enjoy the beauty of the people and world around me. I know that I would rather enjoy the gifts that God has given me than to have a phone full of pictures. Second, I learned that it's okay to have emotions. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to laugh and be happy. It's okay to be sad and cry. Most importantly, it's okay to love even though you're confused. I think I've felt every single emotion known to man in these last two months, but in these last two weeks, I've spent too much time and energy trying to suppress every natural emotion that I've been feeling. And, it hasn't been healthy for me. Experiencing our emotions is how we get to know ourselves and how we mature. If you suppress them, you'll never truly know yourself. So, I for one am going to try my best to let myself experience my emotions as they happen. And third, it's okay not to have all of the answers. If we always had the answers to things, we would never learn anything. I have never been so confused in life as I am right now and have been as I went through these past two months. Feels like nothing adds up anymore. But, to tell you the truth. I'm actually okay with that. The reason being is that I've always believed that God is in control, but I've never had a faith strong enough to hand the control over to Him. As soon as I did that, the burden of "getting it all right" was lifted from me, and through that I've learned more about myself recently than I ever have throughout my almost 33 years of life. Now, I'm not saying that as soon as gave my problems to God that everything became sunshine and daisies; there were, and I'm certain that there will be many more dark days ahead for me, but when I let go of trying to find all of the answers, or get everything right, I was able to feel a deep rooted sense of peace knowing that even though I don't know what is going on, I will be just fine. I don't need to be in control. I'm glad that I made myself take this trip. Lessons like these three I shared wouldn't have been realized if I would have stayed in town. It is amazing to me how things work out the way they are supposed to even when there seems to be chaos. My journey in life is far from over, and I know that I don't have it all together. There will be many more trials and lessons. I can only move on with the things I've learned on this trip. So, it's my goal to keep my head up, my eyes off of a screen for as long as I can, and to enjoy the things around me. I'm going to enjoy the company of others and make lots of memories with them. I'm going to allow myself to feel my emotions and to experience them. Now, I know that there is a time and place for every emotion. Some are private, and some are public. I am just saying that I will not suppress them and sweep them under the rug. I will experience them when the time is right. I am going to live life and not worry about having all of the answers. When God wants me to have the answer, He will reveal it to me. Lastly, and most importantly to me, I am going to love. Love my family, love my friends, Love God, love those I may not know, and even love those who may not love me back anymore. God has blessed me with a big heart and I intend to use it! I have never been closer to God than when I show love to others. Jesus commanded us to love God and to love others, and that's what I am going to do. I am going to leave you with a little bit of scripture that always reminds me of what true love really is when I really don't feel like loving someone. "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 God bless you all. Thanks for reading. Until next time... Trevor

Something About Me That You Should Know

It has been almost a year since my last post. This past year has been one of the most important years of my life. After a very long hiatus, I decided that it was time to go back to school. Only this time, I wasn't going back to Fresno State. I decided to finish up at Fresno Pacific. I've absolutely loved getting back to my studies. I was a little apprehensive at first because I had been away for so long, but I quickly found myself back in the swing of things and actually looking forward to going to class. Although, I did have those mornings where I would've rather been sleeping (the older I get the harder it is to feel youthful in the morning). But it was in one of my classes where I learned more than I thought I ever could have.

I have been a Christian for quite a while. In fact, a great majority of my life has been as a Christian. However, I have not always done my part to show the world that I am who I claim to be. I have fallen away from my faith and come back so many times that I can't even put a  number on it. However, it was in a class at Fresno Pacific that totally made me take an honest look at my life. Have I been true to myself?  Have I been true to God? The answer to both of those questions is  "no." Though I have always been taught about Jesus' love for everyone, it wasn't until my class did an in depth study on the book of Matthew in the new testament in the Bible, that I began to understand just how far his love reaches. I have come to realize that the true message that Jesus was trying to get across was that loving one another, and showing compassion for your fellow man is more powerful than hatred could ever be. So, since I've taken this, I have been convicted in my heart to love people. In doing so, I have learned so much about forgiveness and mending friendships. I am so thankful that I was able to be in that class. It has changed my life forever. It has reaffirmed my faith in Jesus.

I am fully aware that this post may not sit well with certain people that I know. I also realize that my faith might be news to some of the readers as well, and that's okay. I'm secure in my faith now enough to put it out there. This wasn't so just a short time ago. I also want people to know that I am in no way better than anyone else because of my faith. I am not perfect. I have my faults and I make mistakes. But I will continue to strive to love everyone. That doesn't mean that we will always get along or see eye to eye. That is not what love is all about. I can love you without agreeing with you, no matter what the subject.

I still love to laugh. I still love volleyball and sports. I still love music. I am just ready to let the world know what drives me. That's my faith in Jesus Christ and I am committed to loving my fellow person. This is a little different from my other posts, but I have really felt like I needed to share this. I know that there aren't many people who read this, but those who do will now know me just a little bit better. Thanks for reading.

Until next time,
Trevor